I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize