There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
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