cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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