I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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