he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
