i was rollin on her like bob the builder
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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