Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My cat gives me a boner
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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