For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
