She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
