if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
