Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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