So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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