He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
