i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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