The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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