he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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