Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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