My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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