the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
