I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize