Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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