So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
