Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
