Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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