The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize