I'm so fucking centered right now
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I look better un-naked...
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
