I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
