He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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