Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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