I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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