My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
