There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
