I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Randomize
