I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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