apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize