im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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