the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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