I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
