i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize