my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
