I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
