one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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