i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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