I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
