If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
