Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
