I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
