Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
