last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
