I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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