i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
