is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
we made out on top of his cat.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
