Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize