It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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