If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
