you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
