OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
