he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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