I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
