The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
