The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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