I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
