first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
