I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
