This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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