you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
