just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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