Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
